the rise and fall of fanny batter and the panty hamsters

sex in a caravan

snails have teeth

we are going to hell

my favourite biscuit

public inconvenience

you suck

cheese and clam sandwich

where am I? who are you?

not my monkey, not my zoo

no no no no yes

spangled beyond repair

where did i put my shoe?

you make me feel like a million yen

stairlift in brecon

a crusty melancholy

the rise and fall of fanny batter and the panty hamsters

sex in a caravan

On our way down south

Taking the M5 down to the sunshine

Got the radio on, and the

Windows down as we sit in the traffic jam

Well it goes on for miles

But we're all smiles, 'cos we're about the journey

Not the destination

Until it comes to urination

But soon we're free and on the open roads

Head for the coast where we fulfill our

Hopes and dreams in Woolacombe, where we'll be having

Sex in a caravan (oo la la la)

(Don't come knocking

If the van's a-rocking)

Take a walk round the town

Down to the seafront on to the beach we're

Living our best lives

Gazing into each other's eyes well

They have everything here

Gravy, chips and lukewarm beer it's

Paradise on earth

Sea and sand and sex and surf

But in the distance there is trouble brewing

The dark clouds gather and the wind whips

Sand up, and my ice cream's ruined

Head back to the campsite for more

Sex in a caravan (oo la la la) (In the pissing rain)

Four straight days of horizontal rain

I've got blisters I'm in constant pain

My shredded genitals are

Begging me to stop so no more

Sex in a caravan (oo la la la) (In the pissing rain)

Sex in a caravan (Don't come knocking)

Sex in a caravan (If the van's a-rocking)

snails have teeth

I wish I'd never made that search

For me the internet is cursed

I did not realise that snails have teeth

And now I cannot get to sleep

The image haunts me in my dreams

The stuff of nightmares from deep beneath

14000 tiny daggers

I wish I'd never learned the truth

I wish that I had looked away

I do not need to know that snails have teeth

And now it's burned into my brain

I guess I'll never be the same again

And even worse I've learned that slugs do too

2000 tiny daggers

we are going to hell

We're are at the

End of the beginning, it's the

Beginning of the end, turn off the

TV, put down that paper and

Kiss your ass goodbye my friend, well in

Just one week I've seen things change

Tango's back and he's even more deranged, well it's

Strange and I'm starting to feel unwell, and

We are going to hell, seems like the

World is going slightly mad, things that I

Thought were cast in stone are starting to fall apart, nazi

Salutes and the KKK are back, we've been here

Before, and as I recall, it ended in Blitzkrieg and Holocaust camps, in

Just one week he's shown his hand

Christian zealots taking up command, and they

Plan to demonise women as well and

We are going to hell

We're are at the

End of the beginning, it's the

Beginning of the end, turn off the

TV, put down that paper and

Kiss your ass goodbye my friend, well in

Just one week I've seen things change

Tango's back and he's even more deranged, well it's

Strange and I'm starting to feel unwell, and

We are going to hell

Going to hell

my favourite biscuit

(What's your favourite biscuit?)

Could it be a garibaldi, or perhaps a ginger nut?

The simplicity of rich tea or a choc-o-late hob nob?

What is your position when you contemplate the great debate t

The Jaffa Cake? Biscuit or cake? And do you like them?

(What's your favourite biscuit?)

Do you think a Nice is nice or do you find them somewhat boring?

Is a jammie dodger up your street or is it just appalling

…and digestives, a question for the fundamentalists:

With chocolate? Or as god intended?

(What's your favourite biscuit?)

Well a Viscount is simply too minty for my taste

And then there are the aberrations, biscuits that should never see the

Light of day: I'm specifically talking about

Tea cakes and pink wafers

(What's your favourite biscuit?)

(What's your favourite biscuit?) Let's

Talk about the creams - bourbon and custard are you

Interested or are you simply disgusted? Is a

Malted milk for you, is a viennese your thing. Do you

Like to slip a chocolate finger in your party ring?

(What's your favourite biscuit?)

Well there are other biscuits, the list goes on for ages

Jam and cream and shortbread, cookies of all flavours, but

There is one clear winner, the one that stands up tall

The only one with dead flies in as far as I recall

My favourite biscuit (What's your favourite biscuit?) is

Fig rolls (What's your favorite biscuit?)

My favourite biscuit (What's your favourite biscuit?) is

Fig rolls (What's you favourite biscuit?)

(Are you insane?) Don't judge me

(Are you insane?)

Other biscuits are available. Terms and conditions may apply.

public inconvenience

I felt my insides do a

Flip, I felt the sudden urge to

Take a trip, I needed desperately to

Find a place where I could sit in peace and

Evacuate my behind, I knew the time was

Near, I couldn't walk and I was

Fearful there could soon be a smelly accident

A terible event, a dirty bomb of sorts

So I walked on through gritted

Teeth, despite the protests coming

From beneath, and every step I

Made, it brought me nearer to a

Place of safety BUT when I

Arrived, there was a sign hanging

On the door, telling me they were in

Use no more, I swear I nearly

Cried

So what was I to

Do? Of course I

Took off my socks and shoes I had no other

Choice! I had a

Bag for life so I put it to good use

Defecation situation

I had to extemporise

And my bag for life, it saved my life that

Day, it saved my life that

Day

A public inconvenience

Bag of shite

you suck

Well I

Spent so many wasted nights

Trying to reach you, trying to make you

See that I could be so

Good for you, if you just let me

Close to you, I finally got my

Wish, I climbed to the top of the

Mountain, to claim my prize

But then I finally realised that you

Suck, you're a loser there's

Nothing much going on in your

Head, I think you might be

Braindead

And now I

Sit and wonder why, you

Had a hold on me, I

See you with clear eyes and you're

Not the person I thought you'd be

Everybody told me to

Stay away from you

Everybody warned me that

You were just bad news and that you

Suck, you're a loser there's

Nothing much going on in your

Head, I think you might be

Braindead, yeah you

(You suck) You're a loser

(You suck) Like a hoover

(You suck) You're a loser

(You suck) Like a goddamn hoover

cheese and clam sandwich

I'm gonna buy a cheese and clam sandwich, yeah

From Tesco Express, it's the

Finest thing between two slices of

Bread, gonna

Get myself a cheese and clam sandwich, yeah

But I won't wait in line, gonna

Use the self scan to save myself some time

I don't care much for bacon and egg

I'm not a big fan of anything cress

I can't stand a tuna crunch wrap cos

Cheese and clam, that's where it's

I'm gonna buy a cheese and clam sandwich, yeah

From Tesco Express, it's the

Finest thing between two slices of

Bread

I'm gonna buy a cheese and clam sandwich, yeah

Everybody knows, it's the

Biggest bang for your buck in the sandwich

World

I don't care much for bacon and egg

I'm not a big fan of anything cress

I can't stand a tuna crunch wrap cos

Cheese and clam, that's where it's

At

I'm gonna buy a cheese and clam sandwich, yeah

From Tesco Express, it's the

Finest thing between two slices of

Bread, between two slices of

Bread

glostafari

You need to help me

Find, the key to

My mind, yeah I'm a

Prisoner and I'm running

Out of time, I need your

Love, you have to

Save me from above

Like a dove (crr crr), I cannot

Stand these tears of pain

I'm going out and I'm on a mission

There's big game and I'm on safari

Don't need luck or superstition

I'm going out with the Glostafari

You need to set me

Free, I'm a-rolling

Thunder and I cannot be

Restrained, you have to

Take away these chains, the night is

Dark, angels and

Demons whisper to me in the

Park, and now it’s

Time to light the spark

I'm going out and I'm on a mission

There's big game and I'm on safari

Don't need luck or superstition

I'm going out with the Glostafari

I need your mercy

For what I'm about to do

I need your car keys too

I'm going out and I'm on a mission

There's big game and I'm on safari

Don't need luck or superstition

I'm going out with the Glostafari

Glostafari

day trip to weston

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

A day trip to Weston

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

A day trip, a day trip to Weston

Supernightmare

give it a stroke

I'm humdrum, come from London

Well actually Gloucester where Dr Foster

Stood in a puddle, right up to his middle

Cos of all the potholes, hey diddle diddle

Two hands down, in my underpants now

Getting busy with the one eyed snake, you see me

Twerking, I got my merkin workin'

Do a little jig if you wanna see me jitterbug

Bright lights and

Dark smoke

It won't bite if you

Give it a stroke

Down in the basin, working on my phrasing

Spitting out bars, sultanas and raisins

I'm a fruit cake giving me a bellyache

Come and take a hold of my hands for my sake

Getting gritty with the eyes down - bingo

Calling house yeah I'm shooting up my lingo

Three lines and I'm coming up a winner

Claim my prize and then home for my dinner

Bright lights and

Dark smoke it

Won't bite if you

Give it a stroke

And you can ask me

What's the meaning

Of all these lines that

I'm repeating

Well I can't tell you

It's a secret don't you

Know

I just go with the flow

Bright lights and

Dark smoke it

Won't bite if you

Give it a stroke

Bright lights and

Dark smoke it

Won't bite if you

Give it a

Stroke

Had a drink now I make a little water

Do a dance you could be my grand daughter

What's your age what's your age again?

cheltenham scum

We used to live in Cheltenham, and it was fun we had a

Mental little rental just behind the Norwood pub

It was a lovely place to be, especially in the summer

Time, in the sunshine, drinking beer and wine - and so we

Started to look around we thought we'd try and buy a

House, instead of giving all our money to a

Stranger who was thankless, a landlord who was absent, all our

Work and blood and sweat paying off some other funker's debt

But it was not meant to be

All the places we aspired to live were half a million easily

And so we opened up the net

Looked across the Golden Valley to the land of Glostafari

And now we're living happily in the People's

Republic of Quedgeley, no finer place to be, we've been

Ten whole years in Gloucester but I still feel like an impostor

Still feel like Cheltenham Scum

Well I

Thought I would miss the place but - I've never looked back 'cos it -

Turns out that Gloucester's ace, the people here are friendly and they

Don't have airs and graces, no agendas with two faces, all they

Care about is rugby and no-one seems to judge me

Here's something to reflect on, I lived in Cheltenham for

Five whole years - but I never made a friend there

Might just be bad luck, maybe I was drinking in the wrong pub?

Well I don't think so - 'cos I was drinking everywhere

So if your face doesn't fit

Take a trip across to Gloucester, where they couldn't give a shit

Could it be because of all the spooks?

All the secret motherhubbards down in GCHQ

So if you need me you can usually find me in the

Deans or in the Turks, Drunken Duck or working up a sweat at

Jam night at the Rene, down the Pelican, occasionally

Still feel like Cheltenham Scum

Cheltenham Scum (when do I qualify)

Cheltenham Scum (as Glostafari?)

Cheltenham Scum, I'm still

Cheltenham Scum

finger blaster

(Finger blaster) I want to finger blast you

You move so smooth

I want to make it witchu

I must confess, I have a certain skill set

I promise - you won't regret it

Two in the pink, one in the stink

I want to show you paradise

I want to make your eyes roll back with

Ecstasy - just give yourself to me

(Finger blaster) I want to finger blast you

You rock my world, I can

Honestly say that I've never seen a girl so

Fine, I want you to ride my rocket, I

Wanna make you wetter than an - otter's pocket

Two in the pink, one in the stink

I want to show you paradise

I want to make your eyes roll back with

Ecstasy - just give yourself to me

(Finger blaster) I want to finger blast you

You make me moist, if I

Had the choice, I would keep you under lock and key

You make me hot

Girl you got the lot - and - here comes the shocker

Two in the pink, one in the stink

I want to show you paradise

I want to make your eyes roll back with

Ecstasy - just give yourself to me

(Finger blaster) I want to finger blast you

(Finger blaster)

edga (low end song)

You can wear it low, on the strap, it

Looks pretty cool when you do it like that

Play the wrong notes or play it right

It doesn’t matter they're all looking at the singer

EDGA

Its got four strings so it's easy to play

EADG

Playing bass guitar is incredibly easy

Here's a secret, keep it shtumm

You can play the bass if you can count to

Four and you have opposable thumbs or as a

Minimum one opposable thumb

EDGA

Its got four strings so it's easy to play

EADG

Playing bass guitar is incredibly easy

Bass

You can smoke a fag, you can phone your mum

You can read a book, you can have some fun

You can write a letter or a shopping list

You can play the bass while you do all this

EDGA

Its got four strings so it's easy to play

EADG

Playing bass guitar is incredibly easy

Bass

EDGA Bass

EADG Bass

1 2 3 4

STOP

show me your tats

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

I want to see the ink that's in your skin

And read you like a book

I want to know you're not a psychopath

So let me have a look

I want to stand before your

Naked body of work

And reassure myself that

You are not a mental case and

You won't stab me in the face or

The buttocks

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

I want to see the ink that's in your skin

And read you like a book

I want to know you're not a psychopath

Before I let you cook

I need to know that you are

Alright in the head

Before I give you access

To the sharp knives in the kitchen

I'll be sure that you're not itching

To stick me like a pig

Well I've found that in this day and

Age, it pays to vet your dates and that

You must be self defending

To avoid a grisly ending

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

I want to see the ink that's in your skin

And read you like a book

I want to know you're not a psychopath

Before we start to fuck

It's fundamental that I

Know you will not snap

And send me messages like

Pets beheaded on the cooker

Cause you are a mental fucker

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back

Show me your tats, not just the

The one on your back, show me you

Tats

where am I? who are you?

All at sea, on my knees

Feeling small, feeling weak

Day by day things get strange

I am lost in the change

It seems like my feet are nailed to the ground

As everything flows around me, I

Don't really know what I came here to prove

Where am I? Who are you?

Seasons change I remain

Lost in time, lost in space

All alone in my head

With my fear and my dread

It feels like my hands are tied to the wheel

And I cannot stop and find time to

Heal or feel or witness the truth

Where am I? Who are you?

It seems like my eyes are closed by a spell

I hear things but I cannot tell and I

Cannot predict if the light will shine through

Where am I? Who are you?

not my monkey, not my zoo

Not my monkey

Not my zoo

It's not my monkey

And it's not my zoo

It's not my problem

You must be confused

Not my monkey

Not my zoo

Not my monkey

Not my zoo

It's not my monkey

And it's not my zoo

It's not my problem

You must be confused

Not my monkey

Not my zoo, what do you want me to

Do, I don't even

Live here, it's not up to

Me, it's not in my

Control, what do you want me to

Do, I just followed you

In here, and then you started a

Fight, and now you want me to

Sort this shit out, I don't think so

Not my monkey

Not my zoo

It's not my monkey

And it's not my zoo

It's not my problem

You must be confused

Not my monkey

Not my zoo, what do you want me to

Do, I don't even

Live here, it's not up to

Me, it's not in my

Control, what do you want me to

Do, I just followed you

In here, and then you started a

Fight, and now you want me to

Sort this shit out, I don't think so

no no no no yes

No No No No Yes

I see a new guitar, and yeah I know

I've already got about twelve, but

This one is different, and you should understand

It's what I need for my mental health

I'm going to wear you down

Keep asking 'til I get the right answer

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number of

Times I need to ask the question

I see another new guitar, and I've

Already got thirteen but

This one has got it's own EQ

Sweet pickups and a really nice paint job, so

I'm gonna wear you down

Keep asking 'til I get the right answer

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number of

Times I need to ask the question

I'm down in cash converters

Ostensibly looking for an unrelated object

But in the corner there's this beat up old acoustic

Looks like crap but it might be really good so

I'm gona to wear you down

Keep asking 'til I get the right answer

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number

It's time to admit that I might just have a problem

1 (No) 2 (No) 3 (No) 4 (No) 5 (Yes) is the magic number

spangled beyond repair

I don't know why, I do this to myself

There's nothing left inside, I cannot find the off switch

I don't know how, we got here but

Here we go again another

Night, when I can't quite remember

How I got to bed

It stopped making sense a little while back

It stopped making sense

I'm spangled beyond repair

I don't know why, I do this to myself

There's nothing left inside, I cannot find the off switch

I don't know how, we got here but

Here we go again another

Night, when I can't quite remember

How I got to bed

It stopped making sense a little while back

It stopped making sense

I'm spangled beyond repair

where did i put my shoe?

Well I've been going crazy, looking everywhere

But I can't work it out

Where is my right shoe, it has vanished in thin air

And I cannot go out

I checked the usual places, even in the smallest spaces

My shoe based mystery is only bringing misery

Where did I put my shoe?

I've looked below the bed and underneath the stairs, but

Clearly it's not there

There's nowhere else that it could realistically have gone and

I'm tearing out my hair

I checked inside the fridge, the bin, the oven and the car

I wore it yesterday and so it can't have gotten far

Where did I put my shoe?

And suddenly I'm having flashbacks to the night before

A night of copious alcoholic beverage consumption

And I remember that I kicked you really really hard

Right in your big fat smelly anus

Yeah, that's where I put my shoe

(I think I left it in your bum crack)

Yeah, that's where I put my shoe

(I think I left it in your bum crack)

Yeah, that's where I put my shoe

you make me feel like a million yen

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You've been on my radar, since the day I met ya

And I think about you all the time

Can't forget about you, when I sleep I see you

In my dreams you're always by my side

Keep this secret hidden, scared that if I didn't

You would run a million miles away

I'm too scared to risk this fragile ecosystem

If I never saw you I would die inside

When you notice me, when you talk to me

You make me

Feel like a million yen

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You make me

Feel like a million yen

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

Keep this secret hidden, scared that if I didn't

You would run a million miles away

I'm too scared to risk this fragile ecosystem

If I never saw you I would die inside

When you notice me, when you talk to me

You make me

Feel like a million

When you notice me, when you talk to me

You make me

Feel like a million yen

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

You make me feel like, you make me feel like

You make me feel like

stairlift in brecon

There's a female in Wales, who can't

Get to her bed so she's

Buying a stairlift in Brecon

a crusty melancholy

I should have wiped a little harder

Should have been more diligent when I

Visited the bathroom, I suppose

Now my cheeks are stuck together by a

Crust of excrement and the

Smell is rising slowly to my nose

But it's not easy when you're hairy

I could shave around my ring

I could mitigate disaster in this way

But I'm too cared that I might catch my balls

Upon the razorblade, it's a

Price that I am not prepared to pay

So I'll just stay

Sad and lonely

A crusty melancholy

A crusty melancholy brown

I got the browns momma